July 23, 2010
The Pirate and The Princess
Sorry about missing yesterday. The errands that were supposed to only take up the morning ended up keeping me away from home until 9 at night...and then I still had to feed my family and other important things like breathe. In 2007 a friend approached me. She was helping with decorations for a party, a dinner/dance, with entertainment between the dinner and the dance. She knew my daughter and I were renaissance dancers (and therefore had costumes) and fencers (and therefore had swords). She asked if I would write and perform a short play after the dinner, which involved pirates and swordplay. The theme of the dinner and dance was Pirates of the Caribbean. We agreed, and the following play was born. We had a lot of fun. I played the princess, and my daughter (who was younger and somewhat less developed with womanly curves at the time) played the pirate. Yes, it was meant to be a comedy, and the references to existing songs and movies were placed there specifically to make the patrons laugh. Which they did. The performance was a huge success. There are references in there to a series of boxes I had out at the time, as well, which didn't make anyone laugh but ourselves. Hopefully I'll have most of my reassemble-the-library project finished today, and can get back to writing new material on the morrow. --Anne
The Pirate and The Princess
Pirate: [Entering.] Excuse me, Pardon me, Excuse me.
Stops in the center of the room, looks about and sees a table. Goes to the table and clears it. [To the patron] Excuse me.
Lays out swords on table and admires them. [in a loud voice] Bring in the princess!
The princess is brought in. [To the princess] Do you know who I am?
Princess: I suppose you are the despicable pirate who has just attacked my ship and taken me prisoner.
Pirate: True, all true, but do you know who I am?
Princess: You mean, do I know your name?
Pirate: That is exactly what I mean.
Princess: What, are you supposed to be famous or something?
Pirate: Supposed to be? I AM famous. I am…Black Bean, the Dreaded Pirate.
Princess: Oh, that’s a pity. I was hoping you were your twin brother, White Bean, the Terror of the Seas.
Princess: Because I’ve been looking for White Bean. I have something to say to him.
Pirate: What would you do if I told you I was White Bean?
Princess: I wouldn’t believe you. You just said you were Black Bean.
Pirate: Actually I’m both beans! There never were two of us, but there is this stupid rule that says a pirate can’t command two ships, so when I captured my second ship I had to have another name to go by.
Princess: I see—so you are Black Bean the Dreaded Pirate, and his twin brother White Bean the Terror of the Seas.
Pirate: Yes. Now that we have that settled, can we get on with business?
Princess: That depends on what your business is.
Pirate: Weren’t you wondering why I captured your ship, plundered it, sank it, and killed all the other passengers but left you alive?
Princess: No, should I have wondered why you captured my ship, plundered it, sank it, and killed all the other passengers but left me alive?
Pirate: Yes, you should have wondered why I captured your ship, plundered it, sank it, and killed all the other passengers but left you alive.
Princess: I just figured it was in the script.
Pirate: No! It is because you, of all the passengers on your ship, are a princess!
Pirate: What’s so funny?
Princess: It worked! I can’t believe it! It actually worked!
Pirate: What worked?
Princess: My plan! You have no idea how much trouble it was to outfit an entire ship, and how much the advertising cost—all to get you to believe I was a princess so you could capture my ship. Tell me, what was it that hooked your interest? Was it the ship flying royal flags? Was it the whispers that a fabulously wealthy princess was on board? Was it the full page color ad in Pirate Weekly?
Pirate: You are wearing a crown.
Princess: I’m wearing a crown?
Pirate: Yeah—you’re wearing a crown. So when I happened on your ship and was plundering it, my men grabbed you so we could demand a ransom.
Princess: That’s it? The crown convinced you I was a princess?
Pirate: Yup that’s it!
Princess: $14.88 at Wal-Mart—in the bridal section.
Pirate: So you’re not a princess?
Princess: No, I’ve never been a princess.
Pirate: Then we don’t have any business with each other.
Princess: Oh Yes we do!
Pirate: Oh, no we don’t!
Princess: Yes. We do.
Pirate: We do?
Princess: Yes—last year you sank a ship that my uncle’s neighbor’s cousin was on. I have come to avenge his death.
Princess: What’s so funny?
Pirate: Girls can’t play with swords.
Princess: Yes we can.
Pirate: No you can’t!
Princess: Yes I can.
Pirate: No you can’t!
Princess: [singing] Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can!
Pirate: Prove it.
Princess: Prove it?
Pirate: Yes—prove it!
Princess: Fine—lend me a sword and I’ll prove it!
Pirate: You came seeking vengeance and didn’t even bother to bring a sword with you?
Princess: I brought my brother’s sword but your men took it from me when they captured me.
Pirate: [to audience] See? This is the problem with women they talk too much! Men would just get down to the fighting.
[To princess] If I give you back your brother’s sword will you shut up?
Princess: Give me back my brother’s sword and I’ll cut out your heart.
Pirate: Done! Choose your weapon.
[Fight consisting of left handed changes of engagements and advance and retreat footwork.]
Pirate: You fight very well for a girl. Smiling
Princess: Thank you. Why are you smiling?
Pirate: Because I know something that you do not know.
Princess: What do you know?
Pirate: I am not left handed. [Change sword to the right hand.]
princess smiles as fight continues.
Pirate: Why are you smiling?
Princess: Because I’m not left handed either. [Change sword to the right hand.]
[Fight continues with more changes of engagements and advance and retreat footwork.]
Princess: Just a moment. [Pirate leans on his sword while princess turns to patron.] [to patron] Good sir, might I borrow your chair for a moment.
[Princess hands sword to patron, climbs on chair, settles skirts, retrieves sword from patron, and faces pirate.]
Pirate: Are you ready now?
Princess: Yes I’m ready.
[They salute each other, pirate starts forward to fight, princess leaps from chair toward pirate, pirate retreats hastily. Princes stabs pirate in the back. Pirate turns around and attacks princess with flurry of sword work, ending with disarming the princess. Princess stands helpless as pirate extends toward the princess’s heart. Pirate pronates his blade. Princess screams and runs away, weaving through the room with the pirate in pursuit, blade held high. Princess ends up back in the center of the room, trips on her fallen sword, falls down, snatches up her sword, and stabs the pirate as he catches up with her. Pirate dies. Princess gets up and picks up both swords, then walks around and rolls pirate onto his back. ]
Princess: I see. You are neither a Black Bean or a White Bean. You are a has-bean.